Upside Down

The world feels a little upside down and sideways lately...

Photo by Garrett Ross, via Snippet & Ink

Slow Return

I've been absent here for awhile. At some point the events of the summer piled up and the backlog of photos became higher, and it all seemed so daunting. I took a break. To just take each crazy busy week as it came, without the analysis and exploration that this space allows and creates. Just to breathe and let it all be. I'm beginning to feel my way back. 

We've been submerged in weddings lately- those heady days of celebration that make you think about things like the length of a lifetime, and how fast it all flies by. The last two weekends we have celebrated the unions of good friends, each wedding a small reunion in itself. Then this afternoon another thick envelope came in the mail, and suddenly we are gearing up for another celebration. 

I've been thinking about time lately. How fast it goes. It's terrifying- that in the blink of an eye a decade will have slipped away. That a lifetime is so very short. Time is also so gratifying- I've been looking back on friendships that have spanned half my life or longer. Knowing that time creates a history that can't be erased, even if a friendship ends. There is a comforting permanence in that. 

As fall curls around us, I'm hoping to slow down and carve out a little more room for this space- I hope you'll join me.  

Deer via Audrey Hepburn Project

The Quiet

Sorry for the silence this past week- I've been rushing around trying to see as many apartments as possible while keeping up with craigslist and a slew of realtors. But, after a week of frenzy, I have signed a lease for a new place! I'll be leaving Park Slope behind, and moving into a one bedroom in Hell's Kitchen with a loft space, a super nice kitchen (with full fridge! whoo hoo!) Yes, I'm mov'n up in the world. The gazillions of checks have been written, the papers signed, the move date scheduled.

It all happened rather fast, and involved my trying to send a photo on my cell phone (grainy, dark semi-image, I do not have a phone that is equiped for actual picture taking), and discuss pros and cons with W while traipsing down the street after a realtor walking serveral thousand feet per second across midtown traffic. I believe he thought the faster he got me to the office the more likely I would be to sign the papers and hand over the cash. In the meantime W was firing off question like "are those beams structural or decorative" and "can we move the stairs?" To which I of course had no answers.

When it was all over we realized something: We don't have to look at apartments this weekend! Which was a fantastic and joyous realization. So Easter, which had previously been rescheduled due to the Giant Sudden and Stressfull Apartment Search of 2010 was reinstated. I'm heading up to Boston tomorrow after work with a little package from my hometown Easter Bunny, and we're planning a nice relaxing meal at home. I have a long list of things to get done-  stuff to clean out and cull before packing, and of course, an entire apartment to pack. But the worst is behind us, and now that we have a beautiful new place to look forward to, we can start planning and organizing. I already found a CSA for the area, and I'm sure W has been on several furniture sites already today...

photo by Pink Bow

Life. Stress.

I'm feeling disconnected and stressed. About losing my apartment (any day now for the last year), work, money, ongoing health problems. When I get stressed I tend to curl inward and isolate myself, which is not always the most effective remedy.  I find being outside helps- sitting by the ocean (especially at night), floating in the middle of a lake in the sunshine. The last time I really slept well was over the summer when I was in a tent with no cell phone service and no internet access. Mid-way through the week I was waking naturally with the sun and feeling rested. The pace of life in NYC plus the frigid temperatures just aren't helping me de-stress. What do you do to brighten yourself up when life seems unclear and uncertain?

photo from HephzibahPhotography

Blow'n in the Wind

I'm having one of those days where I need to turn my face to the wind, close my eyes, and let all my cares blow away...

Photo by Ana via Feaverish Photography

Last thought on New Years...

"We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives... not looking for flaws, but for potential."

-Ellen Goodman


(you can read her last column here)


Quote via Design Crush, Photo by pareerica

A Fresh New Decade

The 2000s... the excitement of the Millenium, Y2K. Graduating college and finding my way in the world. My first apartment, car, and heartbreak. Traveling for months. Licia. Grad school. 9/11. Iraq and Afganhistan. Katrina. Tsunami. Bush. And Bush. And Obama. Globlization. Gas prices. Columbia and the X-Prize. Brittany Spears. SARS and H1N1. Turning 30. Starting Peanut Butter and Poetry. The Matrix and Twilight and one more Indiana Jones. Ipods and Kindles and Crocs.

It's been a crazy decade, that has taken me around the world and back to New York City. So here we are. 2010. A brand new decade. I have all sorts of ideas and plans and hopes brewing for 2010 and beyond, I expect it will be a tumultuous year with lots of travel and change and introspection.

Good things from 2009:

1. Amazing trip to Chile and Argentina in the Spring
2. Met W
3. Started a 5 Year Diary (how fun to see where I was one year ago!)
4. Went to Tracker School and made fire using my own bow drill
5. Became a member of the Red Cross Disaster Reserve and Rapid Response teams
4. Started this blog
5. Discovered tons of amazing bloggers

Abstract Ideals for 2010:

1. Think Smaller. Sometimes drastic change is not the best answer
2. Slow Down. Sometimes a little down time equals a lot of perspective.
3. Patience. It's ok to not have all the answers right now.
4. Better food, more exercise.

Concrete Goals for 2010:

1. Travel somewhere memorable (possibly Isreal/Jordan combo in the Spring)
2. Join one of those seasonal produce cooperatives. Possibly this one.
3. Shop more at the natural food store and less at the cheap non-organic grocery store.
4. Use the NY Public Library. Read everything on my Book List 2010.
5. Start running in the park again (or at least on the treadmill for now)
6. Go hiking and horseback riding
7. Schedule better to see friends more often
8. Try something new each month.
       I took a West African dance class here in December
      This drawing studio is up next...
9. Bake something with rhubarb
10. Bring my lunch to work more often

W summed it up perfectly:

"Going into the new year is like a leap of faith. A salute to a world that is bigger than either of us. We set our sights on the horizon, trim our sails, and hold on at the helm. But the way is determined also by the wind, the sea, the unknown."

Where are you setting your sights for 2010 and beyond?

Photo by Saxony Marie

Oh 2010...

I'm heading up to Boston tonight for a bit of a "reverse" New Years. W and I are going to take New Years Eve to spend some quiet time together- walk around Newbury, maybe go skating, maybe catch a movie, then linger over a nice glass of wine. There may even a cheese plate thrown in there. We will dutifully dress up and join a party before the actual stroke of midnight, but we're planning on taking this one a bit easy. The holidays have flown by, and been rather stressful; W is in the midst of a storm of grad school deadlines, and we just need some time to pause and be together. New Year's Day we're planning on cooking a big meal together, so that will really be our celebration.

I'm not quite ready to let go of 2009. It's been a crazy year, with lots of good and a little bit of bad thrown in. The last half of the year was largely consumed by busing back and forth to Boston, and all the energy that a long distance relationship requires. All the holiday chaos has left me feeling a bit muddled, and I'm hoping the next few days will help me catch up with myself a bit.

I like to go into the new year feeling cleansed, organized, and mentally prepared. There's a lot of unknowns coming up this next year, and I can't predict how the pieces will fall into place. In the face of gaping uncertainties, I'm doing things like organizing my sock bin, and throwing out the old catnip to feel like I have a little teensy bit of control in this crazy universe. I have a few thoughts on 2010 and what goals I'd like to set for myself, but I'm hoping a little peace and quiet over the next few days will help me to clarify, so more on that later.

I hope you are entering this new year feeling prepared and enthousiastic, and that you have exciting plans for New Year's Eve, whether they are big or small. I think it's an important time to think about how far we have come in the past year, and where we would like to go. To take time to pause to look at the bigger picture, and set a clear course, rather than just making reactionary decisions day-by-day.

How are you feeling about the end of 2009- are you ready for 2010?

Wishing you all a warm and wonderful New Year!


Photo by Tim Walker via That Obscure Object

Merry Christmas!

I'm off to the land of no cell service and dial-up internet, to enjoy a few days with family and friends. My sister is flying in from LA, which is a treat since I rarely see her more than once a year. It will be W's first Christmas with my family, and we'll be ending the celebrations with the second annual holiday reunion of some of my oldest grade school friends.

We've been celebrating Christmas Eve with the same family for as long as I can remember, and it seems like every year there's one more little addition crawling around while we drink hot glogg and enjoy a Swedish feast. It's wonderful to have so many generations together, and to see my friends' children enjoying the same traditions we grew up with.

However you'll be spending the next few days, I wish you good friends, good wine, and lots of love and laughter.

Hugs,

Cynth

Hand printed Delicious Tree card by Cocky Rooster Design.

At Sunset...

This afternoon we took a break from grad school madness to walk around Prospect Park just as the sun dipped below the horizon. The sky was streaked with blue, pink, and cream; the snowy paths packed and slick from all the feet that had passed through today, celebrating the first real snow of the year.

 Entering the park as the shadows deepened, it felt like another world. The moon was a thin bright cresent in the sky, the dark tree branches twisted above us. I took a deep breath of the crisp air, and it suddenly felt like Christmas. We had a quick snowball fight, wandered around a bit, and watched the families sledding in the fading light. There was a general air of merriment- parents were sledding down the worn tracks with littles ones on their laps, or on the bottom of a messy pile three deep. It was that time of evening I remember so vividly from my childhood- when you can still see clearly in the dim light, but you know you only have a few more minutes before your mom calls you inside.

Today, hand in hand with W, it finally felt like Christmas.

Oh my dears the drama...

Don't these earrings just look magical? As if you could put them on and the whole world would just glow a little brighter? Today my dears, I need some magic earrings.

W's grad school applications were due this week, and we've both been up late the last couple of nights discussing the various elements of his personal statement. So I started today exhausted. Now, normally W is a very sweet guy. For example, after I gruffly announced my grumpiness from the Chinatown bus on Friday, he picked me up at the station in a borrowed car. And he brought chocolate. Sounds perfect, right? Of course not, no one is, and today he threw in a game changer. A self-destructive, selfish, destroying all the scenarios we've discussed for the last six months game changer. And now I'm struggling.

So here are some of my questions- how do you know when it's too much? I believe that serious relationships are half love/personality and half business partnerships. If you are going to be legally and financially entangled with someone, they have to be a good partner. And this is where W is lacking- in the planning and executing a life together department. Am I putting too much emphasis on this part of a relationship? Is it enough that he acknowledges the problem and promises to try harder? Can I really ask for much more than that? W is someone who has to learn all his lessons the hard way, but we're both in our thirties, and I expect these lessons have come along before. Are my standards too high?

Any stores or advice from those of you have been in similar situations?
Can love in the end trump all else, or is that just the romantic in me looking for a reason to stick around? I'm exhausted and confused, help!

I'm Thinking About...

I’m thinking about Monkey Bars. Remember when you were little, and you could only reach the first bar? Then someone showed you, or perhaps you watched some slightly braver kid whip across, that the secret was in letting go. If you held onto that first bar, and refused to let go, you couldn’t reach the next one. But if you accepted that moment of risk and uncertainty, you could fly through the air and land your other hand safely on the next bar. You could cross that great expanse with your own momentum bridging the gap between your outstretched arms. You pushed aside your fears, and arrived at the other side triumphant. Then you got bigger, and suddenly you could comfortably cross without letting go. It was no longer a challenge- it was safe, and easy, and boring. Somewhere along the way, I starting hanging onto things that make me feel secure. To paychecks, and leases, and predictability. I forgot the exhilaration of holding my breath in midair before landing on the next bar.

Heartstrings

I’m at a place in my relationship with W where I can no longer protect myself. We are feeling out the details of a life built around each other. Would we decorate our Christmas tree with big colored lights, or the little white ones? What if we set up an office so we face each other while we work? What if I want to chop the onions my way (and not his way)? These questions sketch out the details of an everyday life. A life where we bend ourselves to make room for one another. Where he buys the orange juice without the pulp, and I buy the more expensive tomatoes.

If you asked me a month ago how things were going, I would have said something like “It’s going really well, I think this might work out”. And then, either out-loud or just in my head, I would have added “but if it doesn’t, I’ll be ok”. But now I have to admit that I wouldn’t be ok. Not for awhile. I’d be heart broken- struggling to breathe under the crushing weight of the hurt. I’ve been in serious relationships before, and watched them fall to pieces at my feet. I know how it feels to lose yourself in heartbreak. To become a wisp of yourself, curled up at the bottom of a dark hole, hiding your raw skin from the sun, just waiting to heal. I know eventually I would pull myself up, and walk calmly back into my single life, stitched back together with new lessons learned. A little more guarded, a little less optimistic. Already I feel stretched and hollow along the fault lines of past relationships. I worry that each time I am able to give a little less of myself.

I’m testing my footing in this relationship, whether the foundation we’ve built is strong enough to hold my fears and my hurt along with all the easy parts of me. I feel exposed, and emotional, and crazy. I know this is my way of staring down the worst that could happen. Of saying yes, I could end up there. I’m taking a moment to acknowledge how deeply invested I am in this relationship. Tomorrow I will be back to focusing on all the amazing parts of this adventure, but tonight I’m going to let myself feel the weight of all the possibilities.

photo above from Audrey Hepburn Complex

Vampires...

I've been rather grumpy this week- after 6 days of hanging with W, my empy apartment just feels, well, empty. Harrumph. Tonight I'm cleaning out the fridge and settling into a salad of wilted lettuce, dried out green pepper, and mushrooms that almost molded while I was away. No more chocolate and wine by the fire for me. I'm looking forward to a little girl time tomorrow evening. So let's talk vampires!

Tom Cruise as a vampire? I wasn't convinced. Buffy? She was ok, but I was never hooked. TruBlood? I watched one season on DVD- W referred to it as my "vampire porn". We just watched From Dusk till Dawn last weekend, and it was terrible. Selma Hayak as a satanic temptress of a vampire? Uhh, maybe not. But Twilight? I read them all. And I've been waiting for the second movie. Ok, so the writing is terrible, and the plot just gets more ridiculous as the books go on. And the first movie was worse than the book. But they are such an easy, guilty pleasure. All that drama and yearning. Tomorrow I'm off to see New Moon with two girlfriends- so, are you in? Team Edward or Team Jacob? I'm leaning towards Team Jacob, he's a bit of an underdog, and pale skinny boys have never been my type...

(Poster from here)

Six Months

Today marks six months since W and I first met, and had lunch together. We went to Bartley's, which has the best burgers and shakes in Cambridge. The burgers are all named after different celebrities- I used to love the Tiger Woods- but they've since updated their menu, and now you can choose from the Barack Obama, the A-Rod, or the Tom Brady among others.

In the last six months W and I have traveled endless miles between Boston and New York, and spent countless hours on the phone. We've watched the Fourth of July fireworks from the Charles, road-tripped to Vermont, and gone apple picking in Ipswich. We've walked the Brooklyn Bridge, jogged through Prospect Park, and taken the ferry to Ikea. We've been to the Top of the Rock, and toured Seattle's Underground.

W supports me in endless ways, from his patience when I'm hungry and I can't think straight, to encouraging me to start Peanut Butter and Poetry. When I need to talk, I know he'll listen with patience, logic, and wisdom. We are still learning about each other, handing over little bits of ourselves. A favorite song, a scar from hitting that pothole over there, a story about that old friend I hope you'll get to meet.

The last six months have been a wonderful adventure, and I look forward to seeing what the future will bring. The photo below is from my birthday dinner at Palisade.

Off Kilter

After spending the last three weekends away in three different cities, I’ve lost my balance.

With piles of laundry, no food in the fridge, and a grumpy, lonely cat, I’m buried in chores. I went to the gym for the first time in weeks- my body was sluggish and ungrateful. I’ve clipped my cat’s claws, laid out the laundry to dry, and bought food to make my lunches.

The constant rain this week has perfectly fit my mood. After almost six months of a long distance relationship, I’m exhausted. I’m tired of trying to squeeze all my errands and routines into the week so I can spend quality time on the weekends. I’m tired of long bus rides that are supposed to be four hours, but on Friday nights are rarely less than six. I’m tired of Friday night dinners at midnight, because it’s the best we can do. I’m tired of cell phones and text messages and emails to share how our mornings are going. I’m tired of just wanting more.

I‘m sure that a few miles on the treadmill, and a few trips to the laundry room will bring me back into balance, but right now I'm just feeling off kilter.

And so it has begun…

The birthday celebrations have started. This afternoon, the design team at work took me out to a lovely sushi lunch. This evening I unwrapped the present my sister had sent from Los Angeles. Tomorrow, a car will pick me up at 6:30 am, bound for JFK. I will spend a long weekend in Seattle with my boyfriend W, exploring a new city. On Saturday, we will go out to a nice dinner. I have a new dress and new (rather high) heels. On Saturday, I will be 30.

I have always been the youngest of my friends, and part of me has been thirty for months now. Just a few weeks ago, I was filling out a form in a doctor’s office, and had to cross out the “3” I had written, after I remembered I was technically still in my twenties. Part of me is taking this milestone completely in stride. The logical, practical, solid, side of me. And then there is the part of me that is not. The part of me that looks back at the last five years with panic and wonders if I made the right choices, if I pushed hard enough to advance my life, if I made the right decisions. I have always been more partial to action than to in-action. The numbing suction of routine scares me. I am afraid that one day I will blink and time will have flown by, and I will have missed something. Some unknown, unseen, mystical something. My inclination is toward drastic moves. Toward packing up and shipping off and sleeping in my tent somewhere new. Because new cannot be routine or boring. New places and new situations force us to be aware; each day can feel like a week. We can live whole lifetimes in new places.

So, on this birthday, as I look back at my twenties, I am breathing deeply, and resisting the urge to change my life drastically. Rather than throwing caution to the wind and setting sail for exotic ports, I am starting this blog. I hope that it is the start of small, but important changes in my life. I hope to spend more time writing and taking photographs. I hope to appreciate the small things in my life, and to share them with all of you. I hope this blog will chronicle the many unexpected twists and turns of the year ahead, as I embrace this new decade. This clean, fresh, brand-new decade.